Dave Fox's Outbursts!

Soap for the Sexually Frustrated?

It's Marketing Flop Week here at Outbursts headquarters.

I was just walking through my neighborhood grocery store when I spotted a soap I had never seen before. Irish Spring has a new scent they call "Icy Blast."

When I step into the shower in the morning, an icy blast is not what I want to experience.

Comedic Relief

People sometimes ask me, "Dave, you are a humor writer. How come you don't do stand-up comedy?" Also, people sometimes ask me, "Dave, how come you're such a jerk?"

The answer to that second question is a big mystery, but the answer to question number one is quite simple: People throw things at stand-up comics. As a comedy writer, on the other hand, I can hide behind my computer, and when people think my jokes are bombing, I don't have to listen to anyone heckle me.

My good friend Ben Benson is not so intelligent, however. Ben does stand-up comedy. We occasionally get together to compare notes. We bounce ideas off of each other. I give him suggestions as to how to tighten up his jokes. He tells me how I can stretch my writing and make it funnier. We thank each other. We drink beer. It's really quite touching.

What Ben does not know is that I am actually suggesting he change his jokes in ways that will make them crappier. Why? Because he is my friend, and it sure would suck to have a friend in a similar genre become more successful than me, wouldn't it?

Anyway, Ben is performing this Wednesday night at the Comedy Underground near Seattle's Pioneer Square. I promised to give his show a plug so he still thinks I am trying to be helpful. I've never actually seen him perform, so I will be there, heckling from the front row. You should come too. Unless you live in Uzbekistan, because you probably wouldn't get there in time.

Ben is one of several comedians who will be performing in the Comedy's  Most Eligible Bachelors show, which is hilarious in and of itself because he has invited his wife, who will probably kick his ass for calling himself an eligible bachelor. So hey, if you're not a stand-up fan, come for the violence.

Tickets are a measley six bucks to see a slew of comedians and if you tell them Dave Fox sent you, they'll give you a free glass of ice water.*

[*Ice sold seperately. Batteries not included.]

Public Spectacles

Wow. I never thought people would have such passionate opinions about my eyewear. The results of yesterday's survey as to which glasses I should buy are in.

I had comments on my blog. I had e-mails. I had phone calls. I even had space aliens from Planet Zloog beaming messages directly into my brain. What I discovered from this poll is that no matter which pair of glasses I decide to buy, some people will never speak to me again.

At the optician, the consensus was strongly in favor of option number two (in the photo to the right). The arguments: They looked friendlier. They were more avant-garde, and therefore made me look more confident and successful. ("Because you have to be confident about yourself to wear glasses like these.") One friend told me, "Don't take this the wrong way, but they make you look taller." (I don't particularly care about looking taller. Find me glasses that make me look less bald and I'll take 'em.) They framed my eyes nicely. They were unique. Writers should wear funky glasses to assert our individuality.

The pro-option-two camp also said the option one glasses were too blocky, they created a wall between me and other people, they hid my eyes more, and they looked unfriendly.

Then there were the people who preferred option one (again, in the photo to the right). The most resounding remark I had from the pro-option-one crowd was that the option two glasses "make you look gay." I had the following conversation at my neighborhood Turkish restaurant the night before with my friend Ande (a female) and a random guy at the restaurant whom I had never met before:

Random Guy: Go with option one. Option two makes you look gay.

Me: Oh.

Me (Thinking to myself): Piss off, you homophobic prick.

Ande: You mean they make him look cuter!

Random Guy: No. I mean they make him look gay. And I should know. I'm gay.

Okay, so I would like to live in a world where people are not judged on their sexual orientation or their choice in glasses frames. I would like to live in a world where straight guys can wear gay glasses and gay guys can wear straight glasses. But I was confronted with the reality that such an idealistic vision of America was not going to happen before the optician closed at 5:30.

My friend Ben informed me that the option two glasses made me look like "Ozzy Osborne in rehab." Fellow Bloggist Gary Potter commented that they made me look like "Tina Fey." (I think he meant Tammy Faye Bakker.) The Tammy Faye look is definitely not what I am going for. My good friend Erin called me from the Netherlands to inform me that I looked way cooler in option one.

I also posed the question to a cat in my neighborhood, who responded with a terse, "Meow."

Okay, so here's a summary of arguments from both sides:

Arguments for option one: I look cooler than in option two. I look more powerful. I look more professional. They fit my face better. I look like an idiot in option two.

Arguments for option two:  I look cooler than in option one. I look friendlier. I look more confident. I look more creative. They frame my eyes better. I look like an idiot in option one.

What I have concluded from all of this is that no matter which pair I buy, some people are going to hate my new glasses. I can't win. But I need to see, so I have made a decision.

I decided to go with my first instinct. I like them both but I have always liked one pair better than the other. I was trying to like the other pair more because certain people were pressuring me to like the other pair more... and in my last two glasses purchases, it has taken me a while to warm up to a big change in style. But in the end I had to make a decision. And the winner is... option 1.

A final thought: Several people commented that no matter which pair I bought, they would be a vast improvement over my current glasses, which I am replacing because I stepped on them a few weeks ago. I guess I really should have stepped on these glasses a long time ago.

Glasses Half Empty

People! Help me! I need your fashion advice and I need it fast!

Several weeks ago, I stepped on my glasses. Since then, I have been running around wearing falling-apart, occasionally crooked glasses that fall off a lot -- the sort of things the übernerd might wear on one of those bad 1980s junior high school sitcoms.

I don't want to look like the übernerd from a bad 1980s high school sitcom. I've tried that look and it's not working for me.

So I ran down to my local optician yesterday for an eye exam. I have narrowed my choice of frames down to two different ones.

The vote among two friends I dragged along for immoral support, and that of four or five store employees, was unanimously in favor of one pair. I then took pictures with my digital camera, and the vote at my friendly neighborhood Turkish restaurant was unanimously in favor of the other pair.

EEK!!

So I am now turning to the general public. But I need your comments by this afternoon. Option 1 or option 2? And more importantly, Why?

One thing to note: Some of these photos turned out better than others. Vote for the frames, not the smile. (The clip-on sunglasses are included with either pair.) You can click on each photo for a larger version.

Please enter your vote by clicking "comments" at the end of this post. (Or if you have trouble posting a comment, you can e-mail me instead.)

Option 1

Option 2

If you want to kill somebody, please wait till next month.

I just drove past a school in my neighborhood with a sign announcing that this month is "Respect Life Month."

I'm curious: How do they feel about life the other 11 months?

E-Mail is Not a Toy!

I have just received one of those e-mails where you are supposed to answer a whole bunch of mundane questions about yourself and then forward the message to the entire population of Sri Lanka. According to superstition, if you do not do this, a meteor in the shape of Condoleeza Rice will crash through your bathroom ceiling while you are in an embarrassing toilet-related posture and severely injure you.

Therefore, as a public service to myself, I am posting my answers to these questions, and humbly requesting that the good people of Sri Lanka all take a moment to read this:

1. First name? Dave.
2. Were you named after anyone? Yeah. Some guy named Dave.
3. Do you wish on stars? I am a star.
4. When did you last cry? I'm crying right now.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yeah, but it makes a mess on my computer screen.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turducken.
7. What is your birth date? October 7, but don't panic. I'm still accepting presents.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? My own.
9. Do you have a journal? Stacks of 'em. I also have stacks of CDs for sale. You should buy one. (See above.)
10. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Is this a trick question?
11. What are your nicknames? They are names people call me other than my real name.
12. Would you bungee jump? Maybe if I were about to die anyway.
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I never tie them.
14. Do you think that you are strong? Why? You wanna fight? Arg!
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? I'm lactose intolerant. Ice cream gives me diarrhea.
16. Shoe Size? You pervert!
17. Red or pink? I suppose pink, although my favorite thong is leopard skin.
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I am not the benevolent dictator of a small island nation.
19. Who do you miss most? Bill Clinton.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to to send it back? No. There are a hell of a lot of people in Sri Lanka and my inbox will get overloaded. Seriously, Sri Lankan people, please don't.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Perv!
23. What was the last thing you ate? Hey! What the hell happened to question number 22?
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Leopard skin.
25. What is the weather like right now? What do I look like? A meteorologist? Go outside and see for yourself!
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? The time lady. She's got the hots for me.
27. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? My penis is bigger than theirs.
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Is this a trick question?
29. Favorite Drinks? Anything boozy and lactose-free.
30. Favorite sport? Bungee cord snipping.
31. Hair Color? Leopard.
32. Eye Color? Leopard.
33. Do you wear contacts? No. They make my glasses all blurry.
34. Favorite Food? Turducken fried rice. (Two star.)
35. Last Movie You Watched? "Wallace and Gromit Do Dallas."
36. Favorite Day Of The Year?  Saturday.
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? I usually quit watching after the money shot.
38. Summer Or Winter? That depends on which hemisphere you're in.
39. Hugs Or Kisses? Sure, why not? As long as you don't have anything contagious.
40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Why Are All The Words In All Of These Questions Capitalized?
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond To These Questions? Chandrika Kumaratunga.
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Condoleeza Rice.
43. What Book Are You Reading? I'm not. I'm trying to type.
44. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Crumbs. And a mouse.
45. What Did You Watch Last Night On TV? "World News Tonight with Peter Jennings." (I have TiVo.)
46. What's in your CD player? CDs! Duh!
47. Favorite Smells? Fried Condoleeza Rice. (Three star.)
48. Favorite Sounds? George W. Bush resigning.
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? I'm bored. Can we just wrap this up please?
50. What's the farthest you've been from home? Planet Earth.

There.

Now, you must copy these questions, fill in your own answers, and forward them to 732 people you want to annoy, or else a Condoleeza-Rice-shaped meteor of doom will crash through your bathroom ceiling, and if your pants are down when that happens, it's going to be very embarrassing.

A Wrinkle in Time

Will you people stop ironing!

I mean it! I am getting very frustrated with all of you wrinkle-free geeks out there. Have you nothing better to do with your time?

Slowly emerging from my jetlaggy stupor, I began tackling a mountain of laundry today. It was a massive pile of clothes, which began on my bedroom floor in Seattle, and reached nearly all the way to Portland, Oregon.

I began putting loads of laundry in the washing machine, then transferring them to the drier, then sorting, folding, hanging, blah, blah, blah, in an attempt to fool myself into thinking I am not quite as pathetic of a bachelor as I actually am.

My grandmother taught me, years ago, that if you take your clothes out of the drier right away, you don't have to iron them as much. I was shocked to hear this advice from my grandmother. We're talking about a woman who ironed her sheets. Nevertheless, I have always tried to heed that advice, and it works to a point, but only to a point.

I bought a few shirts while working in Europe this summer. I bought a couple of really cool shirts, which looked ultra-spiffy hanging on the racks in the stores, and still looked ultra-spiffy the first time I wore them. But this afternoon, when I pulled them out of the drier, they were wadded up bundles of linen. They are so wrinkly, ironing them would be as futile as performing CPR on someone who has just been decapitated. If I were to attempt to spread them out on an ironing board, they would just snap back to their natural wadded position, kind of like a turtle refusing to emerge from his shell. Come to think of it, it would be easier to iron a turtle than these shirts.

Okay, so perhaps I should learn my lesson and stop buying linen shirts, even if they do look cool. But even my wrinkle-resistant shirts -- even one with the words "wrinkle-free broadcloth" on the tag -- have wrinkles.

People, I am busy. I do not have time to iron all of these shirts.

I do have a solution, but it requires cooperation from all of you. Effective immediately, you must all cease all ironing activity.

Think about it: If nobody irons, if we all wear wrinkled clothing, wrinkles will be in fashion. Think of the time we will collectively save! The time has come to impose a worldwide moratorium on ironing. As a planet, we will add years of free time to our busy lives.

Rain of Terror Continues: Somebody Buy These Guys an Umbrella!

For the second time in two weeks, the Washington State Department of Transportation delayed a major road improvement project this past weekend due to the threat of rain. Not a torrential flood. Not a typhoon or a hurricane. The threat of rain. In Seattle.

As it so happened, all we got was a few sprinkles.

If only the federal government would be so quick to delay its plans in Iraq due to the threat of explosions, the world would be a happier place.

Pac Man Returns

Turner Broadcasting System has just announced it will release new downloadable versions of classic video games such as Pac Man.

The company, owned by millionaire Ted Turner, also operates Turner Classic Movies. TCM has colorized everything from vintage Porky Pig cartoons to legendary films like Casablanca and It's a Wonderful Life.

There's no word yet on whether they plan to colorize Asteroids and Pong.

Why I Never Read the Owner's Manual

Here are some extremely helpful, actual quotes from the owner's manual of my car:

• "If someone's neck, head, or hands gets caught in a closing window, it could result in a serious injury."
• "Keep the trunk lid closed while driving. This not only keeps the luggage from being thrown out, but also prevents exhaust gases from entering the vehicle."
• "When adjusting the seat, be careful that the seat does not hit a passenger or luggage."
• "After adjusting the seatback, exert body pressure to make sure it is locked in position."
• "Avoid inhaling the engine exhaust."
• "When jacking, be sure to observe the following to reduce the possibility of personal injury: Follow jacking instructions."
• "Be careful not to splash water or spill liquid on the floor. This may prevent the side airbags from activating correctly."
• "Be careful not to lock your keys in the vehicle."
• "Turn the 'TONE' knob to adjust the tone."
• "If the engine will not start, see 'If your vehicle will not start.'"
• "To turn on the flashers, push the switch."
• "To cool off your Toyota after it has been parked in the hot sun, drive with the windows open for a few minutes."