Dave Fox's Outbursts!

Swenglish

Stockholm, Sweden

Swedes are very proud of their English skills, and deservedly so. I sometimes think they speak better English than I do. But there are times in marketing when it's best to run things by a native speaker first.

A few decades back, Electrolux, a Swedish company, ran an ad campaign in America for vacuum cleaners that was a complete flop. Their failed attempt at a catchy vacuum cleaner slogan: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

That linguistic fiasco happened several decades ago. I spotted a new one yesterday as I was walking down the street in Stockholm. It's become trendy in Scandinavia to give shops English-language names, but I did not feel compelled to go in and browse when I passed a clothing store called "Acne Jeans."

Micro Extortion

Wow! After all these years of watching my Windows-based computers crash, over and over and over and over and ov...vvvvvvv... WHACK!!... ver again, Microsoft is unveiling a solution to the problem. You just have to pay them $49.95 a year, and then, they say, they will make their products function properly.

In addition to virus and spyware protection, "Windows Live OneCare" includes "Instant Support" -- online troubleshooting, 24 hours a day.

Yes. I just said online troubleshooting. That will be extremely helpful when your... COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING!!!

(AGAIN!!!)

I miss the days when companies didn't charge extra if you wanted their products to actually work. I wonder what comes next for Microsoft. Give them your lunch money and they promise not to beat you up?

The Money's Always Greener...

Bill Gates said yesterday he wishes he were not the world's richest man.

"There's nothing good that comes out of that," he told CNBC.

Now, if you own Microsoft products, your first response to a statement like that would probably be to yell a long string of obscenities. You are probably feeling snubbed; after all, you are partially responsible for helping make Bill Gates the world's richest man. You are probably thinking, "Fine, Mr. Gates, if you don't appreciate all the money I have spent on your products, then I will just march right over to your mansion with a wheelbarrow and you can fill it up with some of your burdensome cash."

But settle down. Mr. Gates did not mean any offense with his statement. He is under a lot of pressure these days, and this is no time for you to be hassling him with requests for money.

You know how stressful it is when you wake up in the morning and you can't decide which shirt to wear? Bill Gates doesn't just face that dilemma with clothes. I imagine when he gets up in the morning, he has conversations with his wife that go something like this:

Bill: Which jet do you think I should take to my meeting in Cleveland today?

Melinda: Oh, take the Lear. It's been a while since you've ridden in that one.

Bill: I don't know. Do you think the Lear Jet makes me look fat?

I have to give the guy credit for his generosity. He has donated way more money to charity this year than I have. So now, in his time of stress, I have decided to help him out. Bill Gates does not need every person in Seattle pounding on his door, trying to take his money. That's not the solution.

I will go talk to Bill myself. It's less stressful for him if only one person shows up. If he is still sulking, I will take his fortune off his hands, and then I promise to buy everybody an ice cream cone.

Hey! Back off! That's my wheelbarrow!

Whining About Wine

Groningen, Netherlands

I am on the ground, in a land below sea level. Time for blogging is limited.

Seattle to Amsterdam via Washington, DC on United Airlines.... I usually fly SAS to Europe. I'll stick with them from now on for reasons too complex to go into. But there was one incident on United that I must report.

The airline has just started charging 5 dollars per drink for all adult beverages on their international flights. In the past, drinks have been free, to compete with the standard practice on European carriers.

Fair enough. Times are tight in the travel industry. But when I handed the flight attendant a ten dollar bill for an airplane-sized mini bottle of wine, he asked me if I flew United often. I thought maybe he was going to just give me the drink for free. When I answered yes though, he asked if I would like a voucher instead of the five dollars change he owed me.

"A voucher for what?" I asked.

"Another drink."

"Huh?"

"Some people like to have two drinks."

The incident reminded me of the time when I was about six years old, and my mother gave me 50 cents for an ice cream sandwich from the Good Humor Man. Instead of giving me my change as he should have, the ice cream man kept asking me, "What else do you want?"

I learned from the Good Humor incident. I learned that if I accepted something I didn't ask for instead of my change, my mother would be very angry at me. And we can't have that. So on my flight to Amsterdam, I did what my mother taught me. I told the flight attendant I did not want a voucher, and to please give me my damn change, and no I did not want fries.

Next thing you know, they'll be trying to sell you an extended warranty to go with your drinks.

CommunistCast

I just phoned Comcast, my cable company, to pay my bill. At the end of the call, the guy on the phone said to me, "Thanks for choosing Comcast."

Choosing? I didn't choose them. Comcast is the only cable company where I live. They're a monopoly.

His comment made me wonder, does the North Korean government thank its citizens for "choosing" Kim Jong Il as their leader?

Copenhagen Chaos

Copenhagen, Denmark

How early are US airlines recommending you check in for trans-Atlantic flights these days? Is it still three hours or have they reduced it back to two?

If you are flying from Kastrup Airport in Copenhagen, I recommend at least three... days. I also recommend you bring earplugs. It gets tiresome listening to the 873 other people in line whine about how slowly the line is moving.

I'm here with my brother and sister-in-law. They're flying back to the States today. I'm heading up to Norway. Flights to Norway offer electronic check-in, so after I enjoyed that quick and nifty process, I was faced with a decision: Wait in line with Steve and Carly and see if they actually get to the front of the line before their flight goes, or ditch them and hit the airport bars.

For reasons beyond me, I chose option one. Damn, I'm a good brother.

Think Before You Gripe

On the Baltic Sea aboard the m/s Westerdam

The cruise director on this ship shared his favorite passenger complaint with me yesterday.

Once when the ship was still in port, getting ready to depart on day 1 of the trip, an irate customer stormed into his office. "All I can see from my state room," she complained, "is a view of the parking lot! I did not spend 5,000 dollars to spend my cruise staring at a parking lot!"

The cruise director assured her if she waited a little while, he would see to it that her view improved.

Seeing Stars

Kalmar, Sweden

I have recovered my credit card, acquired a nifty new, red mobile phone, and survived my first, hectic tour of the season. There was cold and rain. There were logistical challenges and babies in peril. There was little time to blog.

The tour ended Saturday morning in Bergen, Norway. I arrived in Kalmar Saturday afternoon. Kalmar is the home of the Frimurarehotellet (say that ten times fast), my favorite hotel in Scandinavia. It's not the amenities that make it special. It's the family that owns the place. They gave me hugs and fed me dinner when I arrived for a few days off.

Linda, the receptionist, and I have become drinking buddies over my many years of bringing tour groups here. She told me the other night that the hotel got some stressful news. It's been upgraded to four stars.

It had previously been ranked a two-star hotel. They've done a lot of work the last couple of years to spiffy up the place, and they were expecting a three-star ranking this year. When a sign arrived in the mail with a fourth star, they thought it was a mistake.

You would think a hotel would want a four star ranking, but it's kind of a pain. Four star hotels attract a less down-to-earth clientele. Cozy, family-run hotels should not be run by snooty, uniformed robots.

Nevertheless, the Rylanders are taking on the task with spirit. They are making the necessary final upgrades required to be a four-star hotel. Yesterday, the owners, Owe and Marianne, were hanging new mirrors. The keepers of the stars told them every room must now have a full-body mirror, because, heavens to Betsy, one should be able to see one's shoes in the mirror as well as one's clothes. One should never have to look down at one's actual shoes in a four-star hotel.

They must also purchase an ice machine. All four-star hotels must have ice machines. Never mind that the staff here is so friendly already, and would gladly serve you ice from their freezer upon request. They are now obligated to have a big machine that makes impressive kerchunky noises as it dispenses your cubes.

By my ranking system, this has always been a five-star hotel. I'm not impressed by mirrors and ice machines. I'm impressed with people who understand how to make a hotel feel like home.

Enlightening Travel Report Number One: Cingular Sucks!

Seattle

I called Cingular Wireless from the airport in Seattle yesterday to put a "vacation hold" on my mobile phone while I'm away. I used to be a Cingular customer, and I left them a year ago because their customer service was almost as bad as Dell Computers... which is scraping the bottom of the barrel. When I left Cingular, I switched to AT&T, whose salesman lied through his teeth about the phone he sold me, claiming it would work overseas with other companies' SIM cards. It didn't. When I called AT&T to find out how to "unlock" the phone, they very apologetically told me that was impossible to do... something I later discovered is actually easy to do through some online services for less than ten bucks. Recently, Cingular acquired AT&T, shuffling me from my new crappy mobile phone provider back to my old crappy mobile phone provider.

When I called Cingular yesterday and said I wanted a hold put on my account, the customer service rep asked if I was aware there would be a 10 dollar service charge to do this. I told him no, I did not know this because when I signed up for the service and asked if I'd be able to put my account on hold, I was never informed there would be a service fee.

His response: "That's right. We don't inform customers of this when they sign up. That's why we're telling you now."

I calmly suggested that if the company was doing business honestly, they would waive the service charge. I stressed that this was another in a long string of lies I've been told by Cingular and AT&T over the last four years. The customer service rep refused. That's when I lost it. I told him if he wouldn't waive the fee, I would gladly pay 40 dollars to file suit in small claims court to recupe the 10 bucks Cingular was charging me, just because I am sick of their lies.

"Please hold sir."

I was transferred to a woman named Nora who also refused to waive the fee. started yelling.

My flight to Copenhagen was about to board. People were staring at me. I told Nora, loudly, that I was in a crowded airport making a scene. I mentioned Cingular's name repeatedly so people would know who I was screaming at. I keep an even keel when I'm guiding my tours but after three days of hellish packing and sleep deprivation, getting ready to go, I needed to blow off some steam, and Cingular was a deserving target.

"Please hold sir."

Five minutes later, Nora returned to "apologize for any inconvenience" and give me back my 10 dollars. "Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?"

Heh. Don't tempt me.

I hate the lawsuit-crazed culture we live in, but I wasn't joking. I hate Cingular so much, I would pay more than the amount I could get back, just to waste their time like they've wasted mine.

When I posted about my problems with Dell Computers last year, my blog was flooded with responses from people who agreeed with me. So bring on the Cingular complaints! The Dell page gets a lot of hits. But please... don't ask me for legal advice. Don't ask me how to contact their customer service. Don't ask me to help you. I got tons of such requests about Dell. Get a blog and people think you're an expert.

Stalked by Cingular

I switched mobile phone carriers a few months ago from Cingular to AT&T because Cingular treated me dismally as a customer. As it so happened, the AT&T rep who signed me up for my contract gave me horribly misleading information about the phone he was selling me, but at least I was done with Cingular. Or so I thought.

Today in the mail I received a brochure declaring, "Cingular has joined forces with AT&T Wireless." In other words, I am now stuck with Cingular again until my contract expires next year. They're like a tumor that keeps coming back.