Dave Fox's Outbursts!

The Sky is Falling

Bergen, Norway

In the past 24 hours in Norway, a train between Bergen and Oslo has derailed, more than 700 passengers on a ferry between Denmark and Norway have been stranded, and a massive snowstorm in the southern part of the country has stranded hundreds of motorists in their cars on the highway for more than 24 hours.

All of that having been said, it is nice to be alive. I dodged all three of these bullets, though not without some collateral damage to my own vacation. And yes, of course I will be ranting hysterically about my own personal travel mishaps in the next few days.

For the time being, in the even that any of these things have made headlines beyond Norway's borders, this is just a quick note in a brief moment online to let people know I do still exist.

(In other news, a 78-year-old  Norwegian woman was killed this week by an exploding TV. In the Østfold area, a couple of teenage boys rescued a moose from icy waters. Then some adults came and shot the moose. Meanwhile, King Harald, on his 70th birthday yesterday, declared, "It's fun to be alive.")

Hasty Rambling Before I Miss My Airplane

I have not blogged in many a day, which is due to the fact that my insane life has been insane in a supersized kind of way this past week. Don’t take it personally, faithful readers. I have been thinking about you, and as we all know, it’s the thought that counts.

Here are the things I have been thinking about blogging about. I shall now blog about them, albeit several days after the fact, which I realize is a little like learning how to speak intelligent English after you no longer are president of the United States, but hey, let this blog entry show that there is hope for everyone.

Cold War II
Russian President Vladimir Putin said Sunday that recent US military behavior is inciting other countries to produce nuclear weapons to defend themselves against an “almost uncontained use of military force.”

Possible presidential contender, Senator John McCain, R-Arizona, lashed back, saying Putin’s remarks were, "the most aggressive speech from a Russian leader since the end of the Cold War."

Way to go, Senator McCain! Let’s accuse the Russians of war-mongering! Yeah! That’s it!

Obama Makes it Official
After months of speculation, Senator Barak Obama, D-Illinois, announced he will run for US president in 2008. Obama said the first priority of the United States should be to withdraw its military from Iraq.

Immediately following Obama’s announcement came a barrage of criticism from... George W. Bush? No. Hillary Clinton? No.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard.

Teehee! How cute! If I were in Australia right now, I would pat the prime minister on his head.

Howard said Obama’s desire to pull troops out of Iraq will “encourage those who want to completely destabilize and destroy Iraq, and create chaos and a victory for the terrorists to hang on and hope for an Obama victory."

To Prime Minister Howard, I have just one word to say:

Ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! AAAHHHHHAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... HAAAA!!!

Okay. I suppose that technically counts as 27 words.

Mr. Prime Minister. I’ll tell you what. You want a military force in Iraq? How about you send 20,000+ Australians to Iraq to fix things instead of whining the US isn’t doing enough? Because seriously, your 1,500-or-so non-combat troops who are presently there really are not living up to their full potential.

World Domination
With all this international rhetoric flying around, one wonders who is really in charge of the planet. One wonders who the real world power is. Is it the Great Nation of Russia? No. Is it the Great Nation of the United States of America? No. Is it the Great Nation of Australia? Teehee. Nope. It is the great nation of... Microsoft!

Yes! All hail Bill Gates! Microsoft has unveiled its new Vista operating system, its most secure system ever.

Oh, except for six security flaws reported in yesterday’s Seattle Post-Intelligencer. And maybe some others. But that’s beside the point. Microsoft is still going to take over the world, one person at a time.

Case in point: Aleksandr Ponosov.

Ponosov is a school principal in the rural village of Sepych, Russia. When Ponosov purchased 16 computers for his not-exactly-wealthy school in rural Russia, he didn’t know a lot about computers. He didn’t know they came with pre-installed software. He didn’t realize that in not-always-totally-ethical Russia (as opposed to always completely ethical America), computers sometimes come with pre-installed software that might have been installed without a license.

Well!

You and I both know what has to be done. Bill Gates is a self-respecting billionaire, which is why his company is doing what the company of any self-respecting billionaire should do. They are hauling Mr. Posonov into court. Posonov is now facing a 10,000 dollar fine and five years in Siberian labor camps.

Serves him right to try to educate people in poor, rural villages! Especially Russians! They’re trying to re-ignite the Cold War!

Go Bill Gates! This is almost as cool as the time when you threatened to sue Canadian teenager Mike Rowe for registering the domain name MikeRoweSoft.com.

Get Me Out of Here!
And on that note... I feel a need to leave. I feel a need to bail out of this country for a while... just for a week, to collect my thoughts and flee from my telephone. What should an overworked, overstressed freelance writer do when he has a massive pile of work on his desk? He should go to Norway.

So in a matter of minutes, I am off to the airport. Stay tuned for bloggage from fjord country.

Book Signing Tomorrow, Radio Interview Monday

If you live in the Seattle area and you've been waiting for an  opportunity to ask me humiliating questions in a public forum, here's your  chance! Tomorrow at 1.p.m., I'll be reading excerpts from my book, Getting Lost:  Mishaps of an Accidental Nomad, at the Edmonds Bookshop in Edmonds, Washington.

The Edmonds Bookshop is  located at 111 Fifth Ave. South, 20 minutes north of Seattle. Don't miss this exciting opportunity to heckle me, throw stuff at me, and tell me to get a real job.

Then, this coming Monday, February 12, I'll be a featured guest on the "Escapes" travel radio show on Radio Sandy Springs in Atlanta, Georgia. If you live in the Atlanta area, you can tune in to AM 1620. Elsewhere, listen live on streaming audio or download the podcast after the show at radiosandysprings.com. The program airs at 3 p.m. Eastern Time / Noon Pacific Time / 9 p.m. Central European Time.

Men Over 45: Stay Away from Omaha!

The idea would be gross enough without the sponsor.

In Omaha, Nebraska, they're putting on a musical called "Urinetown." It's a fun-for-the-whole-family, song-and-dance extravaganza about everybody's favorite topic, Urine!

Now, I could take this opportunity to berate the good people of Omaha, Nebraska. I don't know much about Omaha, and probably, neither do you. But when I say "they" are putting on a musical, I don't mean "they" as in all the people in Omaha. I mean "they" as in the Urology Center of Omaha.

"Urinetown: The Musical" first appeared on Broadway in 2002, and -- now, this is scary -- it won a Tony Award. Tonight is opening night at the Omaha Community Playhouse with the Urology Center's sponsorship, and according to the Associated Press, dessert will feature -- now, this is scarier -- "something yellow... served in specimin cups."

Why are a bunch of Omaha urologists  sponsoring a production that features hot musical numbers such as, "It's a Priviledge to Pee?" Because, says Dr. Mike Kroeger of the Urology Center, "We thought it would be fun for our staff and would let people know we have a sense of humor."

Okay... ummm... Dear Dr. Kroeger... I am a professional humor writer. I am also an amateur urinater. One of the things I teach in my humor writing classes is that part of being funny is knowing when to hold back, and when to let it all hang out, so to speak. When I'm in your office, undergoing a prostate exam, that is not a moment in which I want to experience madcap, zany antics or song-and-dance routines.

I'm approaching that age. And I'm staying the hell away from Omaha.

Merry Christmas!

Breckenridge, Colorado

Yes, I realize the calendar says today is Groundhog’s Day; however I have finally made it to Colorado after the Evil Airline-Crippling Monster Blizzard of 2006 shut down Denver’s airport over Christmas.

Breckenridge is not experiencing a blizzard this week. It is, however, experiencing a high temperature today of two degrees Fahrenheit. That, you will be relieved to hear, is a balmy two degrees above zero.

For those of you who do not think in Fahrenheit, two degrees above zero Fahrenheit is equal to approximately 17 degrees below zero Kelvin. Add 30-mile-per-hour wind gusts into the equation, and you know what that means. It means sun or no sun, the groundhog is staying inside today and guzzling brandy. Colorado will therefore not experience spring until Mr. Groundhog sobers up, probably sometime in August.

In spite of the blowing snow, which seems to be specially programmed to blow in whatever direction I am facing, Breckenridge is having an international ice sculpture competition this week. The winner of the competition is a giant head –- a wrinkled old man, leaning his cheek against a curled fist. The name of the sculpture is “Old Man Winter.”

As I stood and admired the sculpture for a brief moment, I happened to notice one spot at the base that was not white like the rest of the carving. It was yellow. Somebody here is apparently not so happy with Old Man Winter.