Dave Fox's Outbursts!

If you want to kill somebody, please wait till next month.

I just drove past a school in my neighborhood with a sign announcing that this month is "Respect Life Month."

I'm curious: How do they feel about life the other 11 months?

Scooter Crashes at White House

Lewis Libby, Vice President Cheney's chief of staff, has just announced his resignation after a federal grand jury indicted him on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.

It's troublesome that Libby has been accused of these things. What I find even more frightening, however, is that Mr. Libby's nickname is "Scooter." I don't care what your political persuasions are. Do we really want the US government to be run by guys named Scooter?

A Drink You Can Drive

Nissan is unveiling a new vehicle this week at the Tokyo Motor Show that features "an egg-shaped cabin atop a wheeled platform that can swivel 360 degrees, doing away with the need to reverse when emerging from narrow spaces," according to CNN and Reuters.

The name of the car is the Nissan Pivo, which, according to the Reuters report is short for "pivot."

I'm thinking this isn't a great name for a car. In Russian and several other Slavic languages, "pivo" is the word for "beer."

E-Mail is Not a Toy!

I have just received one of those e-mails where you are supposed to answer a whole bunch of mundane questions about yourself and then forward the message to the entire population of Sri Lanka. According to superstition, if you do not do this, a meteor in the shape of Condoleeza Rice will crash through your bathroom ceiling while you are in an embarrassing toilet-related posture and severely injure you.

Therefore, as a public service to myself, I am posting my answers to these questions, and humbly requesting that the good people of Sri Lanka all take a moment to read this:

1. First name? Dave.
2. Were you named after anyone? Yeah. Some guy named Dave.
3. Do you wish on stars? I am a star.
4. When did you last cry? I'm crying right now.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yeah, but it makes a mess on my computer screen.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turducken.
7. What is your birth date? October 7, but don't panic. I'm still accepting presents.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? My own.
9. Do you have a journal? Stacks of 'em. I also have stacks of CDs for sale. You should buy one. (See above.)
10. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Is this a trick question?
11. What are your nicknames? They are names people call me other than my real name.
12. Would you bungee jump? Maybe if I were about to die anyway.
13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I never tie them.
14. Do you think that you are strong? Why? You wanna fight? Arg!
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? I'm lactose intolerant. Ice cream gives me diarrhea.
16. Shoe Size? You pervert!
17. Red or pink? I suppose pink, although my favorite thong is leopard skin.
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I am not the benevolent dictator of a small island nation.
19. Who do you miss most? Bill Clinton.
20. Do you want everyone you send this to to send it back? No. There are a hell of a lot of people in Sri Lanka and my inbox will get overloaded. Seriously, Sri Lankan people, please don't.
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Perv!
23. What was the last thing you ate? Hey! What the hell happened to question number 22?
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Leopard skin.
25. What is the weather like right now? What do I look like? A meteorologist? Go outside and see for yourself!
26. Last person you talked to on the phone? The time lady. She's got the hots for me.
27. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? My penis is bigger than theirs.
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Is this a trick question?
29. Favorite Drinks? Anything boozy and lactose-free.
30. Favorite sport? Bungee cord snipping.
31. Hair Color? Leopard.
32. Eye Color? Leopard.
33. Do you wear contacts? No. They make my glasses all blurry.
34. Favorite Food? Turducken fried rice. (Two star.)
35. Last Movie You Watched? "Wallace and Gromit Do Dallas."
36. Favorite Day Of The Year?  Saturday.
37. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? I usually quit watching after the money shot.
38. Summer Or Winter? That depends on which hemisphere you're in.
39. Hugs Or Kisses? Sure, why not? As long as you don't have anything contagious.
40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Why Are All The Words In All Of These Questions Capitalized?
41. Who Is Most Likely To Respond To These Questions? Chandrika Kumaratunga.
42. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Condoleeza Rice.
43. What Book Are You Reading? I'm not. I'm trying to type.
44. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Crumbs. And a mouse.
45. What Did You Watch Last Night On TV? "World News Tonight with Peter Jennings." (I have TiVo.)
46. What's in your CD player? CDs! Duh!
47. Favorite Smells? Fried Condoleeza Rice. (Three star.)
48. Favorite Sounds? George W. Bush resigning.
49. Rolling Stones or Beatles? I'm bored. Can we just wrap this up please?
50. What's the farthest you've been from home? Planet Earth.

There.

Now, you must copy these questions, fill in your own answers, and forward them to 732 people you want to annoy, or else a Condoleeza-Rice-shaped meteor of doom will crash through your bathroom ceiling, and if your pants are down when that happens, it's going to be very embarrassing.

CommunistCast

I just phoned Comcast, my cable company, to pay my bill. At the end of the call, the guy on the phone said to me, "Thanks for choosing Comcast."

Choosing? I didn't choose them. Comcast is the only cable company where I live. They're a monopoly.

His comment made me wonder, does the North Korean government thank its citizens for "choosing" Kim Jong Il as their leader?

People I would like to hit with a hammer, but I can't because that's illegal

The world is full of annoying people. You might even be one yourself.

There are different types of annoying people. For today's outburst, I would like to address a certain breed of annoying people: the harmless but extremely weird ones.

I'm not talking about people who are a clear detriment to society, like racists, murderers, or telemarketers. I'm talking about people who commit much smaller infractions -- things that don't harm anyone but are severely irritating nonetheless. I would like to whack these types of people on the head with a hammer, but I can't because of some silly law. All I can do is ridicule them. So here... here is my partial list of extremely annoying people who I would whack with a hammer if I could get that law repealed:

• People who randomly quote lines from Monty Python films and look at you like you are an idiot when you don't know what they are talking about.
• People who, when asked, "What's the movie about?" answer the question by saying, "It has Jodie Foster and Tom Cruise in it." That does not answer my question. If it's a mystery crime thriller featuring Tom Cruise and Jodie Foster, I probably don't want to see it; on the other hand, if it features Tom Cruise dressed in a fuzzy hippo ballerina costume trying to seduce Jodie foster, who is playing a Samurai plumber, I might go.
• People who read books while they are walking down the street.
• People who cross the street in random places, and, when they see you driving toward them, walk more slowly and stare at you as if to say, "Yeah, I'm walking slowly in the middle of the road. What are you going to do about it?" It should not be legal to hit those people with a hammer. It should be legal to hit them with your car. Also, their next of kin should be required to clean the blood off your headlights afterward.
• People who stand behind you in a long line, and whistle the same two bars to the same song over and over.
• People who are technically behind you in line, but insist on standing next to you instead of behind you because they feel like they are closer to the front of the line that way.
• Martha Stewart.

Okay... so that is my partial list. Feel free to add other annoying personality types in the comment field below.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go clean my headlights.

97,275

97,275 words on the wall... 97,275 words... take one down, pass it around... 97,274 words on the wall.

97,274 words on the wall... 97,274 words....

[Everybody sing!...]

...take one down, pass it around... 97,273 words on the wall.

[Very good. Please keep singing while you read the rest of this.]

The rough draft for my book is officially finished. 97,275 words. 373 double-spaced pages. 29 nervous breakdowns. And a partridge in a... wait, no, that's Christmas.

Parts of it I am happy with. Parts of it are utter crap. All of it is now in the hands of an editing group that will draw big red circles around the parts that are utter crap and tell me to fix them. I will then sit down with their comments in front of my word processor, attempt to reduce the final manuscript to a more slender 80,000 words, and have approximately 17 more nervous breakdowns.

Life has been odd these past few weeks as I have pushed to finish the manuscript in time for the editing workshop that's critiquing it. I have not eaten with such flagrant disregard for my health since college. I have sucked down more caffeine than anybody with a caffeine sensitivity should. I have learned to tolerate soy milk when it's diluted with espresso and chocolate syrup. (Lactose intolerance is a bitch.) I have cut back on social activities, television, showering, alcohol, and heroin. I've laughed. I've cried. I've eaten way too much pizza.

In a moment of premature jubilation, I announced last week that I would be unveiling a special promotion in which you, the shameless consumer, could read my crappy rough draft online. (My plan was to provide the password to a hidden website for anyone who bought my audiobook.) I have since decided that my crappy rough draft is still too crappy for human consumption, so the world will have to wait... though I will try to post a sample chapter sometime in the next week or so. (A couple of sample chapters are already available on my main website.)

I'll receive the editors' comments in about five weeks. My hope is that the final draft will be done in late December, and the book should be available four to six months after that.

'Twas an odd feeling printing out all 373 pages and actually holding in my hand a copy of the manuscript that has only existed in my computer before this week. Slowly, friends have started contacting me to inquire as to whether or not I have come out of hiding yet. People have been congratulating me for finishing my crappy rough draft, which feels very strange -- because parts of it really truly are crappy (as a rough draft should be), and I have never been congratulated for crappiness before.

Anyway... I am reemerging now after this brief hiatus -- back into blogland. But first, if you will excuse me, I really must go clean my kitchen. Those pizza crusts are beginning to sprout extra mushrooms.

[Please continue singing. By the time you are finished, you will probably be able to buy my book.]

96,997 words on the wall... 96,997 words....