Dave Fox's Outbursts!

Getting Better

Billingsfors, Sweden

“It can only get better.” What a nifty and inspirational comment Kella wrote a couple of days ago in regard to my post about how my bank didn’t give me back my company credit card before I left Seattle, and how I also flew to Norway with the wrong ATM card, and how Cingular had tried to screw me over. It was a lovely and inspiring thought, Kella. Really, it was.

But as I crossed the border to visit my Norwegian host family at their new vacation house in rural Sweden, my mobile phone conked out. It will not pick up a signal, and I can’t guide my tours without one.

So I found a phone store and picked out a sporty-looking new Nokia. It cost about 300 US dollars. I had no choice but to shell out the cash. I was lucky I still had my personal credit card. It would be my only source of funds until replacements for the other cards arrive in Stockholm later this week.

I gave my card to the cashier. She returned a moment later with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Your card’s been declined.”

Excellent.

This made no sense. I paid off my balance just before getting on the airplane. I was now completely without funds, and without a phone, with a tour group to meet in five days.

Visa, it turned out, put a security hold on my credit card, because they thought it was suspicious to have had a string of charges in three different countries in three days. Never mind that I have been traveling to Scandinavia every summer for the past seven or eight years and using this same card in the same manner. They decided to put a hold on it until I confirmed I was still alive and the card hadn’t been stolen.

I explained to the nice Visa lady on the phone that yes, I am still alive, though with no access to money, starvation was seeming more and more imminent. She re-activated the card and told me how fun my job sounds.

One of my biggest travel philosophies for years has been, “When you travel, things will go wrong.” If you can’t be at peace with that, you should just stay home and rock back and forth in the fetal position. And my friend Bill defines humor this way: “Humor is what happens when something goes wrong.”

So yes. Things are going wrong, as they should be, giving me lots of fodder for future humor articles. I guess in that sense my trip is getting better.

Dis-Carded!

Seattle - Copenhagen - Oslo

Before leaving Seattle yesterday to guide my tours in Scandinavia, I went to the bank to transfer money from my company credit card to my personal account. (Don't worry. I did this with permission.) Kevin, the teller, took my credit card and my driver's license, took care of the transfer, and gave me back my license.

I went out for brunch with bloggista extraordinaire Kella Hewitt, and returned home to find voice mail from my bank. Kevin had neglected to give me back my credit card. It was now 1:20 on a Saturday and they closed at 1 p.m., so could I please come pick up my card on Monday morning?

This was a problem. I was just about to leave for the airport to fly to Oslo, and I really don't have time to pop back to Seattle Monday to retrieve my credit card. This is the card that pays for everything on the tours I guide -- group meals, museum entrances, akvavit, you name it. But I wasn't worried. I'd just have to cover the expenses with my personal credit card for a few days and get reimbursed, until I could have someone mail me my company card.

I took off last night and landed in Copenhagen this morning. At the airport, I was going to get some food, but discovered my Danish cash from my last trip was missing. So I went to an ATM and put in my personal ATM card. It was declined.

I squinted at the card. It expired last month. I vaguely recall, in the middle of an insane day last month, opening up my an envelope with my new card and tossing it on my desk.

So I would like to apologize to my tour group, which I'll be meeting in Stockholm next Sunday. City walking tours will be replaced with begging excursions, and most of our group meals will consist of bread and water. But don't worry. The Swedes make excellent bread, and their tap water is very clean.

Enlightening Travel Report Number One: Cingular Sucks!

Seattle

I called Cingular Wireless from the airport in Seattle yesterday to put a "vacation hold" on my mobile phone while I'm away. I used to be a Cingular customer, and I left them a year ago because their customer service was almost as bad as Dell Computers... which is scraping the bottom of the barrel. When I left Cingular, I switched to AT&T, whose salesman lied through his teeth about the phone he sold me, claiming it would work overseas with other companies' SIM cards. It didn't. When I called AT&T to find out how to "unlock" the phone, they very apologetically told me that was impossible to do... something I later discovered is actually easy to do through some online services for less than ten bucks. Recently, Cingular acquired AT&T, shuffling me from my new crappy mobile phone provider back to my old crappy mobile phone provider.

When I called Cingular yesterday and said I wanted a hold put on my account, the customer service rep asked if I was aware there would be a 10 dollar service charge to do this. I told him no, I did not know this because when I signed up for the service and asked if I'd be able to put my account on hold, I was never informed there would be a service fee.

His response: "That's right. We don't inform customers of this when they sign up. That's why we're telling you now."

I calmly suggested that if the company was doing business honestly, they would waive the service charge. I stressed that this was another in a long string of lies I've been told by Cingular and AT&T over the last four years. The customer service rep refused. That's when I lost it. I told him if he wouldn't waive the fee, I would gladly pay 40 dollars to file suit in small claims court to recupe the 10 bucks Cingular was charging me, just because I am sick of their lies.

"Please hold sir."

I was transferred to a woman named Nora who also refused to waive the fee. started yelling.

My flight to Copenhagen was about to board. People were staring at me. I told Nora, loudly, that I was in a crowded airport making a scene. I mentioned Cingular's name repeatedly so people would know who I was screaming at. I keep an even keel when I'm guiding my tours but after three days of hellish packing and sleep deprivation, getting ready to go, I needed to blow off some steam, and Cingular was a deserving target.

"Please hold sir."

Five minutes later, Nora returned to "apologize for any inconvenience" and give me back my 10 dollars. "Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?"

Heh. Don't tempt me.

I hate the lawsuit-crazed culture we live in, but I wasn't joking. I hate Cingular so much, I would pay more than the amount I could get back, just to waste their time like they've wasted mine.

When I posted about my problems with Dell Computers last year, my blog was flooded with responses from people who agreeed with me. So bring on the Cingular complaints! The Dell page gets a lot of hits. But please... don't ask me for legal advice. Don't ask me how to contact their customer service. Don't ask me to help you. I got tons of such requests about Dell. Get a blog and people think you're an expert.

I'm Off!

I'm out of here in a matter of minutes to begin my summer tour guiding stint in Scandinavia. I have time to either (1) write a well-crafted blog post, or (2) throw away the food in my kitchen so it doesn't rot while I'm gone and release a foul cloud of toxic gas over Seattle. Out of respect for the good people of Seattle, I am going with option number two.

But stay tuned, kids! I'll be making three laps around Norway, Sweden, and Denmark over the next eight weeks, plus a little vacation time in all three countries.

For all the sordid details on how to stalk me, check out my travel schedule.

Gratulerer med Dagen, Norge!

It's May 17 -- syttende mai -- Constitution Day in Norway. In 1814, they drafted their constitution, ending more than 400 years of Danish rule. Norwegian-Americans often make the mistake of calling today "Independence Day." Norway might have achieved independence in 1814, but Denmark owed Sweden war reparations, and since Denmark was about to lose control of Norway anyway, the Danes told the Swedes, "Ummm... here. You can have Norway." Norway didn't become fully independent until 1905.

There's another mistake Norwegian-Americans often make. It's called lutefisk. The scourge of many ethnic jokes, and probably something that scares people away from going on my Scandinavia tours, lutefisk is a gelatinous fish concoction with a dubious reputation. But I need to dispel a myth about the stuff: Real Norwegians hardly ever eat the stuff anymore. More lutefisk is consumed each year in Wisconsin than in Norway. Today, Norwegians are the world's largest per capita consumers of frozen pizza. Looking for modern Norwegian cuisine? There you go.

So I will not be celebrating with lutefisk today, though I cannot confirm or deny rumors that I plan to sneak bottles of akvavit to the parade in Seattle.

Iran Attempts California-Style Democracy

More than a thousand candidates have announced they will run for president in upcoming elections in Iran. The BBC reports the best known candidate is Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, who served as president of Iran from 1989 to 1997.

"I think my chances of winning are good," Rafsanjani said in an exclusive interview with davethefox.com. He faces stiff competition, however, from Gary Coleman.

Harry Potter and the Wizards of Sleep Deprivation

J.K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter Does Dallas and all those other bestselling children's books, has just announced she will give a special reading of her new book for aspiring journalists between age eight and 16. The reading will take place at Edinburgh Castle on July 16, beginning at one minute past midnight.

So what's with all these people who keep whining that Sony Playstations are corrupting the youth of today? Rowling wants to keep a bunch of eight-year-olds awake for an event that doesn't even begin until midnight? My parents would have had none of that.

Puisse la force être avec vous!

As the premiere of Star Wars III looms before us, more than 3,000 fans are gathered in Paris this weekend for a three-day convention to celebrate the film. Darth Vader was on hand to spread evil and shake hands.

At the risk of sounding America-centric, there's something about Darth Vader speaking French that just doesn't work for me.

The Best Traffic Jam in the World

Traffic in Toronto came to a screeching hault yesterday after a truck carrying 2,000 cases of beer overturned.

Authorities put sand down on the highway to soak up the beer.

Sand? I would have passed out straws.

Return of the Loud Crow

I awoke this morning at dawn to a sound far more hideous than a rooster crowing. It was a crow squawking.

"Squawk!" it squawked. "Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squaaaaawk! Hey Dave! I am sitting here! Up in this tree! Where you can't see me! Being very annoying! Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squaaaaaawk!"

I yelled at the crow to shut up. He squawked louder. Finally, despondent, I rolled out of bed and reached for my .357 Magnum. This was not effective, however, because I do not own a .357 Magnum. Hell, I don't even really know what a .357 Magnum is. It just sounds big, and louder than a crow.

I tried opening my window and slamming it. Maybe that would scare the crow away.

"Hey Dave," the crow squawked, "I wouldn't do that again. You're going to break your window."

The bird had a point.

"Well then will you please just shut the hell up?" I shouted at the loud bird.

"No," the crow squawked.

All I could do was bury my head under my pillow and whimper. For once, I wished I had a neighbor in the NRA.