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Monday, May 16, 2005

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Are you saying that you are a product of responsible adults? Maybe they wouldn't let you stay up late at the age of eight, but a few years later they did send you to a country so extreme, dangerous and stupid that:

-you could consume alcohol legally three years earlier than at home (which you did, a lot..).
-most cars comes with a stick shift,
-one of your school mates at SKI VGS starts the whole infamous Norwegian satanic-death-metal cult, and then gets killed by 36 stabs with a bread knife,
-the former prime minister did inhale,
-the current prime minister were on sick leave due to "depressive reactions",
-the crown-prince marries and makes a crown-princess out of a single mum dope head,
-the crown-princess' father then marries a stripper his daughter’s age,
-both the parliament and the government is strongly against the Iraqi-war, but sends troops as soon as it is safe,
-the troops gets called home because it wasn't so safe after all,
-the prime minister declares, after meeting Bill Clinton that he has dreamt of meeting an American president since he was a kid. Bill Clinton, of course, did nothing of the opposite,
-the government declares a local mullah (Mullah Krekar) a terrorist and a threat to national security, but cannot put him to jail because he hasn't done anything wrong, or send him back to Iraq because it isn't safe,
-the most internationally acknowledged invention is the word "Quisling",
-they elect a lutheranian priest for prime minister, but are really worried about Muslims mixing religion and politics,
-where smoking is prohibited in all bars, restaurants, cafés etc, while heroin-addicts can use public, government funded, "injection-rooms",
-exchange students go to learn a language only almost nobody speaks, and;
-where some people does absolutely nothing while at work, except writing a lot of droppings from a big animal with horns that we make hamburgers of!

So; Oh, no my friend. Your parents cannot have been very responsible, sorry..

Never looked at Norge quite like that...maybe my flight for mid-June is refundable?! Wait, but then I'd be stuck in the States, we're no pleasant or intelligent picture of policy either... (What is Sardinia like this time of year?)

Hey! And kudos to Norway for inventing the PAPER CLIP, too!

Well, there are actually a lot of nice things to say about Norway.

We are at least twice as independent as an average three-year-old, and cute as the place Bin Laden and G.W. Bush will go! Since there are so few of us we are of most dangers to ourselves, not others (like a certain country who for some reason came to my mind). This is nice because those who hurts others has to go to jail, while those who hurt themselves only has to go to a shrink. Furthermore we usually do as we are told, or always that is. You cannot say that about an average three-year-old.

A really nice quality about Norwegians is our ability to get the full value out of everything. Like for instance; getting drunk at Norwegian pubs and bars will dig some holes in your pocket. Do we complain? Yes! What do we do about it? We do three things:

1. We get seriously drunk while complaining!
2. We get the uttermost seriously drunk somewhere else! If you ever spend time at a South-European holiday resort wanting to meet Norwegians, just follow the guttural sounds and the smell of puke.
3. We buy cheap alcohol, and even methanol, from the good old bootlegger. Several people have died, others have joined The Blinds Association, not as volunteers that is... Do we stop buying? Nope! Sad thing is that we used to make our own (or "burn it" as we call it), but as most home cuisine... Wait until someone comes up with frozen booze. A sure success in Norway!

Another nice thing about Norway is: Our women can sure drink! They are not like those stuck up English girls who sit there with their ladies pint pretending to be prudent while they cannot wait to get their knickers off. Our women shuffles it down like it was the end of the world or something. And they pay for their own drinks! Another fine thing about our women is the fact that to get up their skirts you can forget about buying drinks, brag about your car or own a big house. You just have to be a good looking, intelligent, humorous, interesting and nice guy. Which, by the way, is the reason why I am single.

Thinking of it, I have something to confess: I watched an episode of The Apprentice, I'm sorry for doing so, but the point is that those teams were supposed to come up with a new ice-cream flavour and then sell it. As the Norwegian man I sadly am, I instantly go absolutely eureca! "Mojito!" I cry out, "Margarita! And Bloody Mary!" I even consider whisky (not bourbon), vodka, bitter, gin, grappa, ouzo, rum, brandy and beer. What do the American male team come up with after spending hours? Icecream with bagels in it...! (???) The female team on the other side comes up with some long-drink flavoured ice-cream . Way to go girls! The conclusion to this is that Norwegian men would do well while amongst American women, while American men wouldn’t do so well amongst women at all.

So, as you can see, I do think being a Norwegian has some good sides to it. Just don’t call me cute! We hate that.

By the way Mercy. It was not a Norwegian who invented the paper clip. It was a German who did that. We Norwegians only stole the patent...

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