Dave Fox's Outbursts!

Sticking Up for the Little Guy? How About the Little Girl?

A man in Nebraska who was convicted last week of sexually assaulting a child was sentenced to 10 years probation rather than 10 years in jail. Why? Because he's really short.

Richard W. Thompson is 5-foot-1, and the judge who sentenced him said that jail would be too hard for a man as short as him.

Personal message to Cheyenne County District Judge Kristine Cecava: Prison is not supposed to be a picnic! We're talking about a 50-year-old man who sexually assaulted a 12-year-old girl! How tall was the girl he assaulted, Judge Cecava?!

I happen to be really short myself. My driver's license says I'm 5-foot-4. (I rounded up half an inch.) Normally I am pleased when people acknowledge that, yeah, short guys have it rough sometimes.

(Personal message to the 6-foot-2 guy who weaseled his way in front of me at the Parliament concert last week: Was I blocking your view, or what? Next time, could you please at least use deodorant? The scent at your armpit level was not pretty.)

But Judge Cecava, seriously, have you considered the precident your ruling sets?

Now, if you will all excuse me, I'm going to Nebraska to rob a bank or something.

An Uppity Short Guy's Business Tip for Prostitutes

I had a speaking gig on a cruise ship back in January that ended in Honolulu, and once I arrived, I spent a few days decompressing in Waikiki. Waikiki is a little bit like Las Vegas, only with water. It's a strange place to hang out by yourself.

My hotel was centrally located on the main drag. In the evening, there were three basic activities one could participate in:

1. Hit the bars.
2. Experience a highly cheesy made-for-tourists luau.
3. Enjoy a fun-filled evening of traditional culture with one of the many prostitutes who work the strip.

I partook in activities one and two, but decided to forego option number three. This was primarily because the official Waikiki Prostitute Uniform was a big turn-off.

In most cities, prostitutes advertise their services by walking around in skimpy clothing, but in Waikiki, where even in January, daytime temps top 80 degrees Fahreinheit, everybody wears skimpy clothing. So the working girls have had to find another way to stand out.

To do this, they wear the highest high-heel shoes ever invented. The heels are at least four inches tall. I'm not sure how they learn to walk in them, but I'm guessing a special license is required.

So here I was wandering innocently back to my hotel one evening when a voice bellowed down from the sky asking if I wanted to go have a good time.

Here's a helpful business tip for Waikiki prostitutes: If you're going to solicit business from guys like me who are five-foot-four, you'll have much better luck if you take your shoes off first.