[The following ridiculousness was originally posted on my Facebook page.]
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT RULES! READ THESE OR DIE! ~ This is one of
those highly irritating, viral Internet fads that you would not have to
put up with if you lived in a country with the good sense to ban such
idiotic wastes of time, such as North Korea. If you have been “tagged”
in this note, it is either because you have already tagged the author
in a similarly self-indulgent outburst of your own, or because you have
attempted to coerce the author into some other time-squandering
Facebook activity, or just because you are extremely misfortunate and
the author had to meet his obligatory quota in this exercise of tagging
at least 25 people.
While the author of this particular note has been instructed to compose
a mere 25 completely useless and boring facts about himself, you are
not so lucky. You must now reveal 52,197 completely useless and boring
facts about yourself in a similar note. Furthermore, you must tag at
least 87,254,992 of your Facebook friends. You must do this within 24
hours, or an army of sewer rats with laser beam eyes will crawl up
through your shower drain and incinerate your entire city. And won’t
that suck?
If you do not have 87,254,992 Facebook friends, you must bury yourself
under the covers and whimper, reflecting on the sorry state of your
social life, until the rats arrive.
Now, for your further annoyance, here are the requested 25 factoids
about the author. You may read them if you like. Alternatively, you
could just turn off your computer and go take a walk. That’s probably
the more productive thing to do.
1) I do not normally participate in Internet thingies such as this. I
have agreed to do so this time, only because someone who recently
reviewed my books promised that if I did, she would demonstrate her ability to sound like a dolphin.
2) Usually, I unflinchingly refuse and block all offers on Facebook of
virtual hugs, virtual chocolate, virtual haggis, virtual snowball
fights, virtual cocktails, virtual fetish models, challenges to reveal
my extremely high IQ, and requests to join Facebook-fueled political
groups. This might be because I am an evil, heartless bastard. I’m not
really sure.
3) Speaking of dolphins, I used to have a goldfish named Abdul. His
full name was Prince Abdul Ibrahim Srafeq III. I have no idea why I
named him that. It just kind of sounded cool at the time.
4) I also used to have hair, but my hair did not have an exotic name
like my goldfish did. In any case, neither my hair nor my goldfish are
alive anymore.
5) I refuse to use the term, “best friend.” Seriously, what’s with ranking one friend above others:
“Sorry, but this week, you have been demoted to the status
of fourth best friend. Yes, I know you were at number three last week,
but I met this guy at a bar and he’s pretty cool. But don’t worry. Zach
and Penelope might be moving to Burkina Faso, and then I won’t really
be hanging out with them much, so you might have advancement
opportunities in the near future if you maintain a positive attitude.”
6) I was voted Safety Patrol of the Year in sixth grade. Also in sixth
grade, while I was riding my bike to school one day, a crazy person
tried to run me over with his big red Cadillac. I do not know if these
two events were related.
7) My most vivid dreams have all taken place in countries I have never
been to (or beyond)… including Guyana, Somalia, Bangladesh, Albania,
and outer space. After the space dream, I sought professional
counseling.
8) I once had an uncontrollable laughing fit while anchoring the 10
p.m. news on Wisconsin Public Radio. For reasons I will never
understand, they did not fire me.
9) I was once the opening speaker for Princess Märtha Louise of Norway.
One year later, she announced that she could talk to angels, and opened
up a school to teach others how to do the same. I do not know if these
two events were related.
10) I play the fiddle, but will only do so in public if someone is
accompanying me on guitar, or if I have consumed at least 92 Long
Island Iced Teas.
11) While cleaning out my closet recently, I found Tom Leykis’s home
phone number from 1994. I really should clean out my closet more often.
12) I make snorky noises at most animals when I see them. When humans
are present, I do this quietly because most humans do not appreciate
the power of the snork.
13) I have been to 42 countries on five continents, but not all at the same time.
14) I have a form of Dyslexia that affects my sense of direction. I am
also a professional tour guide. I do not know if these two conditions
are related.
15) When I guide tours, I travel with a mascot named Sven the
Incredible Norwegian Wondermoose. I love Sven in ways most humans will
never understand. He makes a mean 26-egg omelet.
16) I also share my home with a giraffe from Madagascar. The giraffe’s
name is Nigel. Nigel is seven feet tall. Nigel cannot accompany me on
my tours because he exceeds the airline industry’s size limit for
carry-on items.
17) I am thinking about suing the airline industry for discriminating against my giraffe.
18) I think karaoke is more evil than country line dancing, for the
simple reason that country line dancing had the decency to go out of
style.
19) I was once featured on the History Channel program, “Weird U.S.,”
because I think lutefisk is evil. They still rerun the program around
Christmas time. You can watch it then if you want to. Or you can just
go eat some pizza instead. I don’t really care.
20) If forced to choose between eating a bowl of corn flakes or having a tetanus shot, I will usually go with the tetanus shot.
21) My girlfriend teaches sex education to eighth graders. She is also
an octopus expert. I do not know if these two skills are related.
22) In January, 2008, I was told I might never walk again without
crutches. Three months later, I went biking through the jungles of
Vietnam. But please do not get any crazy ideas. I still refuse to go
country line dancing.
23) I can speak Turkish better than I can swim. This is not because I
really speak very much Turkish. It is because I swim with the finesse
of a Golden Retriever. If you throw me off of a boat in a medium-sized
lake, I will probably manage to make my way to shore without drowning.
Then, I will probably thwack you on the nose for throwing me into a
lake.
24) I really should get back to work now. Probably, you should too.
25) Look! I can count to 25!
Recent Comments